Forgive me.
Monday, March 30, 2015; 3:06 PM | 0 Comments
You may not have tattoos, but you have regrets. Guilt leaves a tattooed heart.
Question: if your unresolved guilt manifested itself in tattoos, how marked up would you be? What images would you see in the mirror? The face of someone you hurt? The amount of money you squandered? All the could'ves and should'ves. "I could've been a better mom." "I should've paid better attention."
Dig around in the basement of our souls, and what do we find? Wasted years. Perversions. Destructive diversions. Anger at parents or exes. Selfishness. Arrogance.
Is guilt having its way with you? If so, consider this promise: "no matter how deep the stain of your sins, I can take it out and make you as clean as freshly fallen snow"
God specializes in guilt removal. He can do what no one else can: extract every last mark from your soul.
Understand: guilt is God's idea. He uses it the way highway engineers use rumble strips. When we swerve off track, they call us back. Guilt does the same. Guilt alerts us to the discrepancies between what we are and what God desires. It stirs repentance and renewal. In appropriate doses, guilt is a blessing.
Extract from Max Lucado's Before Amen.
Mummy
Thursday, March 26, 2015; 11:52 PM | 0 Comments
Today, with just the two of us at home, I had one of the longest chat with my mum in a long long while.
Mummy has always been the love-you-behind-the-scenes person, her love is shown through the sacrifices she makes, the meals she'd cook, the comfort in my living. She's the sort who'd say "走开啦，在我旁边很麻烦” when she's afraid the splattering of the oil when she's cooking would get on me. Her concern and love's often hidden under the words she chooses to use. She's never said "I love you" to me in all my life, and over time it's gotten harder to communicate, because I became a lot like her and I didn't know how to express my love for her. I too, have never said "I love you mummy" to her in all my life.
So a simple chat like today's didn't come easy for the two of us, and it's something I've prayed for, for many years. We talked what mothers and daughters usually talked about, she told me about the times she was young, her life with daddy, when she grows old, and she asked me about my school, my China trip and my boyfriend. And those who know me well enough will know how precious this time of casually-talking-about-life would mean to me (and probably to her too).
Heard a song on Kpop star recently, and the lyrics go "Mom, there was a time you were beautiful and young. You gave up everything for me. You are the strongest person that I know."
It's true.
Mummy, you're the strongest person that I know. I told you just now when you told me about daddy leaving us so early, that the reason it was daddy who left, is because God knew you'd do a better job at raising the 3 of us. You're determined, strong and resilient. You gave up everything, and lived not as yourself, but as a mother to us. I love you mummy, very very much. And it is my prayer that one day I'd be able to say that to you and hear you say you love me too (':
; 12:00 PM | 0 Comments
마음이아파。
마음이아파。
Fallen short
Wednesday, March 18, 2015; 12:01 AM | 0 Comments
Today as a teacher with a class of 14 three to four year olds, and a very difficult lesson to carry out, I decided to reflect upon what happened in class even though it will be painful for me.
It will be my experience with M and C, two brothers who can be quite a handful to the teachers in the classroom.
Our first experience with them yesterday made the teachers wary of their behaviors, we thought of ways we could better manage the class, like sitting them apart from each other, or putting them on a table of their own so they don't disrupt other kids. Today, as an assistant teacher, I watched over the two boys, and got mad and very upset when they misbehaved and said things that weren't very nice. It's hard to put into words what happened, but they were really getting very tired of creating a straw sculpture that was very difficult to make. That probably escalated my frustration as much as it did for them. This though led me to react in a negative manner with the wrong choice of words when disciplining the boys. I said "do you know that what you boys just said was very rude? One of you will go sit at that table on his own." And their response? They said in quick defense "no, you're rude! (They're right.) You go sit on that table! (No one should.)"
Today I realised how much I fall short as a teacher. We often measure our capabilities in how well we manage a class that had went well, but it is when we meet challenging situations, difficult lessons or frustrating processes, that shows us what it means to be a great teacher. First, I made a mistake in labeling them as problem kids. I fall short as a loving teacher. Second, I was unable to help them feel less frustrated about what their art project which was difficult. I fall short as a problem solving teacher. Third, I used negative words and blamed them directly in my discipline. I fall short as a nurturing teacher. And forth, I 'threatened' to try to get good behavior. I fall short as a good teacher.
I'm not carrying the entire fault of the incident on my shoulders, it could really be the behavior of the boys, the failure of the teacher in charge to develop an age appropriate lesson, or even the fault of parents to send their kids to something they don't wanna be at. But. I carry the fault of not being capable enough to help the kids enjoy their learning process, and my failure in proper disciplining of the boys. The words I said to them shot right back at me, and they really hit me hard as I reflected.
I will see the boys tmr again, and the first thing I would like to tell them is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry, because as much as they're learning to be good boys, I'm learning to be a good teacher. And I don't want to fall short as a reflective teacher. I want to be a teacher who learns from my mistakes, and will be willing to admit and correct them. Jiayou to myself! 💪
睡不着
Friday, March 13, 2015; 2:51 AM | 0 Comments
It's 2.26am and my mind is still wide awake #nooooo I have work tmr and I really should be sleeping already :'(
But I did what most people would do when they can't fall asleep, Fb! I read thought catalogue, I refreshed my news feed and I wandered to the profiles of different people, some were friends I haven't spoke to in a longgg longgg while. I clicked on "see friendship", and clicked on the years starting from the earliest, and as I reminisced the good old days, I got to THE year. The start of the chain of "no stories available" till now. And it really is like how facebook states it, it was like our story had a sudden standstill. We stopped contacting, stopped hanging out, stop taking photos, stopped making memories together. And now, when someone glances through our profiles, they'll never know we were such good friends. That made me kind of sad.
So dear friend, you may never read this, but thank you for being a part of the happiest days in my life, the fun, the joy, the smiles and laughter we've shared. Thank you, I'm sorry, please forgive me. You're a friend I really miss (: and though I'm sad that you're not a part of my story now, and that I'm not a part of your story too, I can only hope that this isn't the end, but only a pause in our friendship. For as long as you need dear friend, as long as you need. (: